I apologize for the lack of power rankings the first few weeks. The intern who was covering for me during my sex vacation to Thailand has the ability to put together shoddy yet somehow comprehensible sentences, but asking him/her (we GMOT writers are anonymous, after all) to add math and wit to the equation would have been too much. However, he/she (it?) did a passable enough job that we're going to keep it around to write random articles and cover the Friday league. Without further ado:
1. Coming From Behind: Pandamonium! (4-0*)
What's that? CFB sissied out of the WAKA Vets conference and is now beating up on teams with little interest in competition? Oh. OK, I guess that sounds about right for CFB. Well, I'll leave them at No. 1 this week because they're 4-0 for the first time in a league that matters, and it's cute when their players start to get big heads.
2. B.O.B.B. (3-0)
I don't even know what that name means. Boys on Bananas Bonanza? Bubbly Orgasm Buddies Brigade? Bacon O! Bacon Bacon? Actually, that last one sounds kind of awesome. Dibs on the name for Fall. Whatever the acronym stands for, B.O.B.B. inched out Rocky Mountain Ice by .092 percentage points in this week's rankings because, as one voter put it, "RMI stands for Rainier Mountaineering, Inc., and I refuse to negotiate with plagiarists." That voter, who is also this writer, remains totally anonymous. Totally. Anonymous.
3. Rocky Mountain Ice (4-0)
A run differential of +61 is kind of hard to ignore. However, after walloping STU GOTZ and Stick It In in Week 1, Rocky Mountain Ice has given up three runs in two consecutive games. That's something like triple the amount of runs the team has allowed since its formation. Squared. The pre-season favorites better get their defensive issues sorted out, or they'll face the prospect of only beating Your Mom by a dozen or so.
4. Your Mom (1-2)
Still WAKA's longest-tenured team, even if many of the more familiar faces are now sporting white or black jerseys. That kind of veteran presence means about as much in kickball as raw talent. Speaking of our athletic abilities, wouldn't it be hilarious to have an Olympics-type event for WAKA players? 3-on-3 basketball, track and field, gymnastics, speed skating, fencing, etc. I predict the gold medalists would be determined not by times or wins and losses, but rather anyone who survived the day with both knees, a functional heart and lungs, and at least one Achilles tendon.
5. Vanimals (3-1)
The Vanimals gave Ice its toughest test thus far, but narrowly avoided a two-loss week when they snatched a win away from STU GOTZ in the sixth inning. You have to love a team that ignores league coordinator J3's (a Vanimal himself) themes and opts for their own, which I'm guessing has something to do with Gilligan's Island. I don't know. The third baseman was wearing a sailor hat and there were an awful lot of jean shorts running around.
5. Stick It In (0-3)
I love the name. I'm trying to think about how it might be a kickball pun, and even though I'm failing, the possibilities are getting more and more hilarious the further my mind stretches to make it work. Bravo. I have some experimenting to do. Hey, honey. Come over here for a sec. Bring the kickball.
6. STU GOTZ (1-2)
After technically winning the game, the Gotz captains, who usually practice good sportsmanship until about the eighth Coors Light or so, decided to play an unnecessary extra inning against the Vanimals. They promptly lost a heartbreaker, 10-9. "I'm making those assholes drink more next time," said a disgruntled Gotz infielder. "The co-captains are much more effective when they're yelling beer-fueled obscenities at everything in sight. At least then they're dick-ish enough to take a fifth-inning win when they have the chance."
*Because putting an asterisk by their record will piss them off
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