Dodgeball is a 24/7 sport. Sure, we only play once a week, but to be at your very best you must be training at all times. And let's face it, between work, drinking beer on days that end in "-y" and watching American Idol, who has time to work out? The good news is that the real world presents an excellent practice facility. Here's a list of objects and people you can dodge in your day-to-day life to hone your skills for Wednesday nights:
1. Bullets
Next time you travel to Detroit, simply survive to tell the tale. Boom. Instant dodgeball superstar. Bonus points if you do so wearing a Packers jersey.
2. Your ex-girlfriends calls...and novel-length e-mails...and texts...
This is high-stakes dodging. She'll eventually go away, but if you respond even once, you'll likely be subjected to an additional month in Crazy Town. She's like a mouse hitting a lever for cheese. If cheese comes out, she'll keep hitting the lever. If no cheese comes out, she'll give up and go on a "soulsearching trip" to South America. Before long some dude named Mauricio will take her off your hands.
3. Your ex-boyfriend's late-night drunk texts
He dumped you, and he's realizing he made a huge mistake. It turns out his beer gut and lack of dubstep knowledge means his 30-year-old ass can't pick up randoms like he could in his college days. After another night of failure and rejection, he texts you at 1:40 a.m., "hi babye what r u diong lol." DODGE. DODGE. DODGE. Or wake up in the morning with that crippling sense of shame, going down a path that will turn you into the girl in #2 above. Your call.
4. A wrench
Do you see what I did there? LOL!!!1!11!! There was a MOVIE about DODGEBALL. We PLAY DODGEBALL! Damn I'm clever. Maybe I should call my agent. I think I'm ready for SNL.
5. Greenpeace/Planned Parenthood/Homeless Ambassadors on 16th Street Mall
So, you're heading down to the Patagonia store to buy a $400 jacket to wear to your nephew's soccer games or to Tilted Kilt because you "really like their food." At every intersection you're bombarded with homeless men selling some sort of newspaper or hipsters trying to get you to sign a petition. Run the gauntlet from Colfax to Blake, and if you successfully don't make eye contact with any of these interlopers, you win. The use of headphones or faking like you just got a call on your cell is cheating and will not improve your dodgeball skills.
6. Falling rocks
Visit any outdoor rock climbing area and stand directly under a climber.
7. Snowboarders adjusting their bindings in the middle of runs
Seriously, you can't go over to the side of the slope?
8. Your roommate asking you to clean the oven
Any chore that potentially involves the use of a wire brush should be dodged at all costs.
9. Deer
Driving on a two-lane mountain highway at night is like Mother Nature's equivalent of Death Race. Live your life a quarter-mile at a time.
10. Spring kickball league invites not from WAKA
'nuff said.
