Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Friday, May 17, 2013

CO Recess Power Rankings - Weeks 4-I Can't Keep Track Anymore


1. BALLCRUSHERS (2-5)
The long-awaited debut of the green team at the flip cup tables finally happened, and it was glorious. Fueled by two games of kickball and Hayter's luxury cuisine, the BALLCRUSHERS were in the zone. One flip. One flip. One flip. The rest of the league was just glad the green players were dispersed amongst the teams, or it would have been a very lopsided evening. "I'm going to wear a cup if I ever play them in Bags," said Free Agent Waterboy Mario Portillo.

2. The Peep Show (6-1)
Despite the fact that team captain Mark Harrington was dressed as a European House DJ and most of the girls appeared to think they were at a rave, the Peeps went 3-0 in their triple-header. The yellow team sure knows how to rock a theme week. Barring some epic Saturday morning developments, the Peeps are locked into the No. 2 seed and will face Safe Word in the first round.

3. Safe Word (0-7)
Move over, CFB. There's a new sheriff in town. Week in and week out, Safe Word (found out yesterday the word is actually "forfeit") shows up in force at Hayter's, officially wrestling the "loud and obnoxious party team" crown from the O-Face. The gauntlet has been thrown down. How will CFB respond? Tune in to the end-of-season party to find out.

4. Pink Tacos (2-4)
The Meat Curtain got chewed up (heh) by CFB and STU GOTZ, though the latter kicked most of their balls a foot in front of home plate. You can't count such treachery against the Tacos. "One chick actually kicked it from the mound. I hadn't even pitched yet," said Tacos fireballer Kristen KW. Regardless, the Tacos will look to regroup for a tournament run. The Summer 2012 runners-up can't ever be counted out.

6. KNOCKN CLEATS (4-3)
Like the Pink Tacos, KNOCKN CLEATS can be a dark house in the championship race despite an inconsistent regular season. The blue team's players just need to avoid looking ahead to the summer, when the departure of STU GOTZ to CO Mile High and several key free agent acquisitions will make KNOCKN CLEATS the heavy league favorites.

6. Coming From Behind: The O-Face (3-4)
The Saturday tournament will be interesting. CFB will likely start strong, but can the players moderate their drinking enough to have a chance in the later rounds? Vegas puts the over/under of beers consumed before noon by CFB at 248.

7. STU GOTZ (7-0)
Meh. Can't seem to beat anyone by more than five runs. The first-round bye will be crucial for the Mob as they try to advance to the second round.




Are you interested in contributing to WAKA's Ghost Man on Third blog for the summer seasons? We're looking for a few gorgeous badasses to cover CO Recess and CO Radical. Lots of perks for volunteers, including the opportunity to be close to me on a regular basis. Inquire within at wakadenvergmot@gmail.com.


Thursday, May 9, 2013

Kickballer Blasts Mother Nature on Twitter, Will Face Fines



A Denver kickballer will likely draw fines from the league after posting incendiary remarks about Mother Nature on his personal Twitter account.

Journeyman centerfielder Melvin “The Merman” Merkle took to the popular social networking site this week to vent his contempt for how Mother Nature is handling the spring season in Colorado.

“getting damn sick of this weather smh. mother nature be a straight punk bitch. #pissed #imsowet #thatswhatshesaid #beliebersunite,” Merkle wrote in the first of a three-part series of tweets.

Denver kickball teams have faced canceled game after canceled game this season, which appropriately started with the Great Denver Snow Bowl of 2013. The frustration Merkle voiced is shared by many.

“might have to pay mother nature a visit and give her a piece of my mind. she live in boulder, rite? #iswaynebradygonnahavetochokeabitch”

The lack of spring kickball has had an unexpected effect on the sport’s aficionados: a distinct rise in personal productivity. A Safe Word player who asked to remain anonymous said she recently received high praise at work for showing up on time three Fridays in a row. Players from both leagues have discovered new talents for crochet, homebrewing, literary fiction, stormchasing, calligraphy, crime scene investigation, online gaming and much more.

“I’ve seen a lot of new movies lately,” said a Rocky Mountain Ice player. “The Great Gatsby isn’t as good as the book, but it was OK.” 

Merkle’s final tweet, which was later removed after his Facebook relationship status was changed to single, expressed unhappiness with his newfound free time.

“its thursday and instead of kickball i gotta do canvas and cocktails with my girlfriend. go to hell mother nature #miserable”

WAKA is expected to hammer Merkle with a heavy penalty, perhaps as severe as two or three Smirnoff Ices. The league does a lot to appease Mother Nature. Countless hours every spring are spent engaged in anti-rain dances, frantic prayers to whatever God(s) will listen and launching experimental weather balloons designed to absorb airborne moisture.

"I'm not saying the player in question is wrong," said CO Radical Coordinator Phillip Jones. "But we don't want to piss off Mother Nature any further at this time."

For her part, Mother Nature remained mum on the issue and never responded directly to Merkle’s tweets. She did, however, post the following status update on Facebook yesterday. It’s unclear who she was addressing.

“lol u mad”

Thursday, May 2, 2013

CO Recess Power Rankings - Week 4



1. The Peep Show (3-1)
Wow! What a rise for The Peeps, who finished last week in the cellar of these power rankings. Since losing to STU GOTZ, The Creeps have defeated two good teams in the Pink Tacos and CFB, and done so comfortably. Power rankings voters must be putting a lot of stock in the 7-2 victory against the O-Face, especially given that the Mob has only managed a 4-0 win against the same team an hour before. CHIRP CHIRP!

2. Safe Word (0-5)
The red team had a strong showing at Hayter’s after apparently trolling the Pink Tacos. “Yeah, we lost 12-2, whatever. It’s just because we want to build up their playoff hopes,” said Safe Word Catcher Mike Tsang. “It’s going to be hilarious. Hey, did you get your tickets to Fast 6 yet?” Bold prediction: Safe Word will NOT lose to STU GOTZ tonight, thus avoiding an 0-6 mark.

3. STU GOTZ (4-0)
The last undefeated team continues to roll, but not all is well at Mob Headquarters. Rumors are swirling third-baseman Jeff Golden has been optioned to the Detroit Penal Leagues after what analysts are calling “The Worst Kickball Play of All Time.” Golden, while playing for CO Recess’ Pink Tacos, fielded an easy ground ball. After squaring up to gun out a runner three feet away heading to home plate, he promptly fired the ball at a 90-degree angle away from the kickball field. The game-winning run scored on the overthrow. “Man, I know it didn’t even happen while he was playing for us,” said STU GOTZ Bench Coach Shane Dogmillionaire. “But once you lose your edge at this level, it’s over.”

“He was getting old as hell anyways,” Dogmillionaire added.

4. KNOCKN CLEATS (3-2)
KNOCKN CLEATS bounced back in a big way after a Week 2 loss, dominating assumed contenders in back-to-back games. The WAKA on Water cruise hangover must be wearing off. Signs of locker room trouble are apparent every week at Hayter’s, however, as Captain Justin Spanbauer is convinced his voice is louder than Christy Bailey’s (blatantly untrue). It’s not a big deal yet, but this is the kind of squabble that can tear a team apart if left unchecked.

“Match up!” - Spanny.

“MATCH UUUUUUUPPPPPPPP!” - Christy.

5. Pink Tacos (2-2)
The Tacos lost the first game of their doubleheader against KNOCKN CLEATS, and then racked up an impressive 12 runs against Safe Word. So impressive, in fact, that the league is investigating if the Tacos may have bribed the refs with liquor from a pink flask. “That’s absurd,” said the ref, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “I accepted bribes equally from both teams. It’s not my fault the close call down the third-base line happened to come right after Safe Word gave me a warm Natty Light.” For some reason, the ref then spent the next three minutes of the interview winking at me.

6. BALLCRUSHERS (2-3)
The green team ran into a motivated veteran squad in KNOCKN CLEATS, and still put up a decent fight. BALLCRUSHERS still boasts the league's best offense and has a knack for being in every game. That's the kind of team that can surprise some people in the tournament. They'd be ranked higher if they had a stronger presence at Hayter's, as that's a huge part of the WAKA experience. Come on, green team! We don't bite...ok, maybe Safe Word does...

7. Coming from Behind: The O-Face (2-3)
Oh, how the mighty have fallen. The O-Face came into the CO Recess spring season considered by many to be the favorite to win it all, and yet halfway through the schedule can’t even crack a .500 record. To add insult to injury, they lost both games last week against hated rivals STU GOTZ and The Peep Show. That’s not the whole story, though. CFB continues to dominate the pre, current and after parties on both Thursday and Friday nights. And they are the unquestioned kings of the flip cup table. “Plus, we do have a kickball championship from last fall, against totally legit competition,” Captain Luis Barrios said, before failing to contain his laughter.