This is the time of year we've been waiting for, sports fans. The NFL, NBA, NHL and MLB are mere distractions to pass the time during the offseason of America's True Pastime: DODGEBALL! Six weeks of gunslingin', red-mark-leavin', Play-of-the-Day-catch-makin', beer-drinkin' fun, broadcast live in all its glory on ESPN8: THE OCHO.
Heroes will be made. Women will swoon over hunks reminiscent of Greek Gods with unbelievable muscles and sweet headbands, and men will fall head over heels for femme fatales with emasculating arm-cannons and feline agility. Who will be the stars of the next six weeks, those rare talents who transcend sports and become international icons? Time will tell. But for now, let's take a look back at the Top 5 Superstars of the Past, remembering their dominance as we prepare for a new crop of legends to emerge.
1. Megan "Saturn V Rocket" Williams (1999-2010, Portland Mustaches)
Williams is the all-time leader in knockouts, and is perhaps best known for ending Louis the Lobster's career with a chest-shot that stopped his heart for two whole minutes. After retirement, Williams went on to become one of the world's top philanthropists, throwing care packages from the French Riviera into war-torn Somalia.
2. Fince "Not Vince" Faughn (1996-2000, Moderate Jim's Fitness)
The inspiration for the movie that put our sport in the national spotlight. Like John Elway, Faughn went out on top, retiring after defeating heavy favorites World-Gym for the national dodgeball title.
3. Danny "The Irish Guy" McShanahan-Laughlin (2002, New Orleans Pelicans; 2003-2011, Detroit Decay)
The 29th-round draft pick came out of nowhere in 2004 when starter and former NFL dud Ryan Leaf went down with a separated shoulder. McShanahan-Laughlin parlayed his stellar rookie season and a "My Name is Danny" rap video into a huge contract with the Decay. He was on track to break every record in the books before shocking the world and retiring in his prime to "get drunk in the mornings."
4. Jeff "J3" Cornetet (Undrafted)
Aiming to become "Michael Jordan, except successful," the kickball phenom was seeking to deny the impossible and become a two-sport athlete. Scouts raved over his arm, leaping ability and overnight beard growth. One anonymous talent evaluator called Cornetet "dodgeball's future Wilt Chamberlain." Sadly, Cornetet never lived up to the Jordan or Chamberlain references. Instead, he "Pulled a Roethlisberger," injuring himself in a contract-breaching snowboard accident. "I was just trying to shred the gnar and catch some wicked air, brah," Cornetet said. Oh, what could have been.
5. Mariah "The Pariah" Scifres (1994-1995, Atlanta Airports; 1996, New York Jay-Zs; 1997-1999, Seattle Anti-Depressants; 2000-2001, Virginia Lovers; 2002, Denver Transplants)
Scifres, dodgeball's first and only blind professional, was renowned for her arm strength and penchant for friendly fire. When she was on, she was on, racking up a record-setting 119 knockouts in 1996. Unfortunately, 54 of those were against her own team. Franchise after desperate franchise took a flier on Scifres, but none were able to hone her raw talent. The Pariah has shed her nickname and become a top-notch broadcaster for THE OCHO, able to discern who just got out by listening to their girly screams.
