Offseason News and Notes

The kickball offseason is brief, and yet even with only a couple weeks off, professional ballers pack as much into their free time as possible. As seen in the following offseason highlights*, that's not always a good thing. Let's just be glad kickball is returning this week.

Injured Catcher Featured on ESPN 30 for 30 Documentary. A year removed from tearing his Achilles tendon, Mark Miranda has found a new calling in life: living vicariously through his four-legged best friend. The longtime kickballer (The Peep Show, STU GOTZ) has channeled his competitive energy into training his Bernese mountain dog, Bear, for agility competitions. This heartwarming story of a shattered boy and his affable pup, titled “My Cross to Bear,” will air on ESPN at 8 p.m. Thursday, Sept. 4.

Coming From Behind Player Camping Out for New Yellowcard Album. CFBer Matthew Jay can be found in a Coleman tent outside of the Best Buy in Glendale, where he’s lived since mid-August. He’s anxiously awaiting the release of Yellowcard’s new album, Lift a Sail, on October 7. “It’s a good thing he’s camping out,” said Best Buy store manager Jasper Livingston. “We only ordered one copy. Frankly, we didn’t think there’d be any demand.”

SEC Alum Watches CSU vs. CU Game. “It was pretty cute,” said University of Florida graduate Ben Hedrick. “Seeing everyone all excited about the big game, with their little faces painted and the mascots trash talking each other, it really reminded me of high school.” The Rams shocked the 5,000 people in attendance by taking the heated rivalry in an upset 31-17 victory. CSU looks to build on its momentum in its Mountain West Conference opener against Boise State this Saturday. “Wait, there’s a Mountain West Conference?” said Hedrick. “How adorable!”

World’s Biggest Panthers Fan Fails to Draft Cam Newton in Fantasy Football. In a catastrophic series of events, utility man Jeff Golden (STU GOTZ, Truffle Shuffle, Moist) had too many beers and snagged Drew Brees in the second round. Cam Newton was taken shortly thereafter. “What have I done?” Golden said between sobs. “I don’t even know why I selected that no-talent assclown thug (Brees). It’s not about points! It’s about love! Bountygate. %^&*!” At the time of this writing, Golden was mulling a trade offer from Newton owner Jen Frame -- Cam for his entire first five draft picks. “Intriguing…” Golden mumbled, his red eyes finally clearing.

Several Male Kickballer Nudes Leaked After iCloud Hack. Rumors are circulating around the Internet about leaked nude photos of some of Denver’s most famous male kickball stars. Players from Dark Side, Moist, Coming From Behind, The Peep Show and Dem Denver Peeps are being implicated. “Those photos are obviously fake,” said Phil Jones. “I don’t even like carrots.”

Scientists Claim Ballzagna Actually Brighter Than Sun. In a recent study, researchers at CU Denver discovered that when fully decked out in uniform – included sunglasses, bandanas and knee-high socks – Ballzagna players are actually more radiant than the sun. The scientists are unsure what this all means, but they are fascinated by the small round objects beginning to orbit the team’s captains. “One of them could support life,” lead researcher Ron Ruggles said.

*Nothing in this article is true. Obviously. Well, maybe some of it.