Congrats to the 2013 Spring Champions!

STU GOTZ (CO Recess)

 

ROCKY MOUNTAIN ICE (CO Mile High) 

 

CO Recess Power Rankings - Weeks 4-I Can't Keep Track Anymore

1. BALLCRUSHERS (2-5)
The long-awaited debut of the green team at the flip cup tables finally happened, and it was glorious. Fueled by two games of kickball and Hayter's luxury cuisine, the BALLCRUSHERS were in the zone. One flip. One flip. One flip. The rest of the league was just glad the green players were dispersed amongst the teams, or it would have been a very lopsided evening. "I'm going to wear a cup if I ever play them in Bags," said Free Agent Waterboy Mario Portillo.

2. The Peep Show (6-1)
Despite the fact that team captain Mark Harrington was dressed as a European House DJ and most of the girls appeared to think they were at a rave, the Peeps went 3-0 in their triple-header. The yellow team sure knows how to rock a theme week. Barring some epic Saturday morning developments, the Peeps are locked into the No. 2 seed and will face Safe Word in the first round.

3. Safe Word (0-7)
Move over, CFB. There's a new sheriff in town. Week in and week out, Safe Word (found out yesterday the word is actually "forfeit") shows up in force at Hayter's, officially wrestling the "loud and obnoxious party team" crown from the O-Face. The gauntlet has been thrown down. How will CFB respond? Tune in to the end-of-season party to find out.

4. Pink Tacos (2-4)
The Meat Curtain got chewed up (heh) by CFB and STU GOTZ, though the latter kicked most of their balls a foot in front of home plate. You can't count such treachery against the Tacos. "One chick actually kicked it from the mound. I hadn't even pitched yet," said Tacos fireballer Kristen KW. Regardless, the Tacos will look to regroup for a tournament run. The Summer 2012 runners-up can't ever be counted out.

6. KNOCKN CLEATS (4-3)
Like the Pink Tacos, KNOCKN CLEATS can be a dark house in the championship race despite an inconsistent regular season. The blue team's players just need to avoid looking ahead to the summer, when the departure of STU GOTZ to CO Mile High and several key free agent acquisitions will make KNOCKN CLEATS the heavy league favorites.

6. Coming From Behind: The O-Face (3-4)
The Saturday tournament will be interesting. CFB will likely start strong, but can the players moderate their drinking enough to have a chance in the later rounds? Vegas puts the over/under of beers consumed before noon by CFB at 248.

7. STU GOTZ (7-0)
Meh. Can't seem to beat anyone by more than five runs. The first-round bye will be crucial for the Mob as they try to advance to the second round.




Are you interested in contributing to WAKA's Ghost Man on Third blog for the summer seasons? We're looking for a few gorgeous badasses to cover CO Recess and CO Radical. Lots of perks for volunteers, including the opportunity to be close to me on a regular basis. Inquire within at wakadenvergmot@gmail.com.

Kickballer Blasts Mother Nature on Twitter, Will Face Fines

A Denver kickballer will likely draw fines from the league after posting incendiary remarks about Mother Nature on his personal Twitter account.

Journeyman centerfielder Melvin “The Merman” Merkle took to the popular social networking site this week to vent his contempt for how Mother Nature is handling the spring season in Colorado.

“getting damn sick of this weather smh. mother nature be a straight punk bitch. #pissed #imsowet #thatswhatshesaid #beliebersunite,” Merkle wrote in the first of a three-part series of tweets.

Denver kickball teams have faced canceled game after canceled game this season, which appropriately started with the Great Denver Snow Bowl of 2013. The frustration Merkle voiced is shared by many.

“might have to pay mother nature a visit and give her a piece of my mind. she live in boulder, rite? #iswaynebradygonnahavetochokeabitch”

The lack of spring kickball has had an unexpected effect on the sport’s aficionados: a distinct rise in personal productivity. A Safe Word player who asked to remain anonymous said she recently received high praise at work for showing up on time three Fridays in a row. Players from both leagues have discovered new talents for crochet, homebrewing, literary fiction, stormchasing, calligraphy, crime scene investigation, online gaming and much more.

“I’ve seen a lot of new movies lately,” said a Rocky Mountain Ice player. “The Great Gatsby isn’t as good as the book, but it was OK.” 

Merkle’s final tweet, which was later removed after his Facebook relationship status was changed to single, expressed unhappiness with his newfound free time.

“its thursday and instead of kickball i gotta do canvas and cocktails with my girlfriend. go to hell mother nature #miserable”

WAKA is expected to hammer Merkle with a heavy penalty, perhaps as severe as two or three Smirnoff Ices. The league does a lot to appease Mother Nature. Countless hours every spring are spent engaged in anti-rain dances, frantic prayers to whatever God(s) will listen and launching experimental weather balloons designed to absorb airborne moisture.

"I'm not saying the player in question is wrong," said CO Radical Coordinator Phillip Jones. "But we don't want to piss off Mother Nature any further at this time."

For her part, Mother Nature remained mum on the issue and never responded directly to Merkle’s tweets. She did, however, post the following status update on Facebook yesterday. It’s unclear who she was addressing.

“lol u mad”

CO Recess Power Rankings - Week 4

1. The Peep Show (3-1)

Wow! What a rise for The Peeps, who finished last week in the cellar of these power rankings. Since losing to STU GOTZ, The Creeps have defeated two good teams in the Pink Tacos and CFB, and done so comfortably. Power rankings voters must be putting a lot of stock in the 7-2 victory against the O-Face, especially given that the Mob has only managed a 4-0 win against the same team an hour before. CHIRP CHIRP!

2. Safe Word (0-5)

The red team had a strong showing at Hayter’s after apparently trolling the Pink Tacos. “Yeah, we lost 12-2, whatever. It’s just because we want to build up their playoff hopes,” said Safe Word Catcher Mike Tsang. “It’s going to be hilarious. Hey, did you get your tickets to Fast 6 yet?” Bold prediction: Safe Word will NOT lose to STU GOTZ tonight, thus avoiding an 0-6 mark.

3. STU GOTZ (4-0)

The last undefeated team continues to roll, but not all is well at Mob Headquarters. Rumors are swirling third-baseman Jeff Golden has been optioned to the Detroit Penal Leagues after what analysts are calling “The Worst Kickball Play of All Time.” Golden, while playing for CO Recess’ Pink Tacos, fielded an easy ground ball. After squaring up to gun out a runner three feet away heading to home plate, he promptly fired the ball at a 90-degree angle away from the kickball field. The game-winning run scored on the overthrow. “Man, I know it didn’t even happen while he was playing for us,” said STU GOTZ Bench Coach Shane Dogmillionaire. “But once you lose your edge at this level, it’s over.”

“He was getting old as hell anyways,” Dogmillionaire added.

4. KNOCKN CLEATS (3-2)

KNOCKN CLEATS bounced back in a big way after a Week 2 loss, dominating assumed contenders in back-to-back games. The WAKA on Water cruise hangover must be wearing off. Signs of locker room trouble are apparent every week at Hayter’s, however, as Captain Justin Spanbauer is convinced his voice is louder than Christy Bailey’s (blatantly untrue). It’s not a big deal yet, but this is the kind of squabble that can tear a team apart if left unchecked.

“Match up!” - Spanny.

“MATCH UUUUUUUPPPPPPPP!” - Christy.

5. Pink Tacos (2-2)

The Tacos lost the first game of their doubleheader against KNOCKN CLEATS, and then racked up an impressive 12 runs against Safe Word. So impressive, in fact, that the league is investigating if the Tacos may have bribed the refs with liquor from a pink flask. “That’s absurd,” said the ref, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “I accepted bribes equally from both teams. It’s not my fault the close call down the third-base line happened to come right after Safe Word gave me a warm Natty Light.” For some reason, the ref then spent the next three minutes of the interview winking at me.

6. BALLCRUSHERS (2-3)

The green team ran into a motivated veteran squad in KNOCKN CLEATS, and still put up a decent fight. BALLCRUSHERS still boasts the league's best offense and has a knack for being in every game. That's the kind of team that can surprise some people in the tournament. They'd be ranked higher if they had a stronger presence at Hayter's, as that's a huge part of the WAKA experience. Come on, green team! We don't bite...ok, maybe Safe Word does...

7. Coming from Behind: The O-Face (2-3)

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. The O-Face came into the CO Recess spring season considered by many to be the favorite to win it all, and yet halfway through the schedule can’t even crack a .500 record. To add insult to injury, they lost both games last week against hated rivals STU GOTZ and The Peep Show. That’s not the whole story, though. CFB continues to dominate the pre, current and after parties on both Thursday and Friday nights. And they are the unquestioned kings of the flip cup table. “Plus, we do have a kickball championship from last fall, against totally legit competition,” Captain Luis Barrios said, before failing to contain his laughter.

CO Recess - Bar Buzz - Week 3

How did your team shape up at the bar two weeks ago?! If you're not happy about your ranking well, maybe that should tell you something. Check out your teams rankings here and I'll be watching you Thursday at Hayter's! :)

- Fly, the Bar Fly

Bar Buzz - CO Recess - Week 3

CO Recess Power Rankings - Week 3

1. STU GOTZ* (3-0)

It's safe to say now that the Gotz Mob is undeniably the best kickball team in the galaxy. Even without All-Universe pitcher Ryan Barno, who was named GQ's Sexiest Man Alive in 2011, the Mob continued to roll in Week 3. Rumors are flying that WAKA might just go ahead and give STU GOTZ the Founder's Cup, since  "no other team on planet Earth, past or present, can compare with their general awesomeness on or off the field," said WAKA Czar Lydia Rapp. "They belong in another league, one reserved for people equally as good-looking as them, which is like no one. CFB Sucks. STUUUUUUU!!!!!!!" Rapp then preceded to shout "WHO GOTZ" for 19 straight hours.**

*The author may or may not play for STU GOTZ. I'm anonymous, bitches.

**Rapp's interview was paraphrased and significantly altered to suit my needs. There's such thing as journalistic license, right? At least on CNN...

2. Safe Word (0-4)

Rumpelstiltskin vaulted into the No. 2 spot with an impressive snow-day showing at Hayter's last week. The red team had the biggest bar presence despite the canceled games, challenged only by the 719-member STU GOTZ. On top of that, Safe Word almost beat CFB during the last week of actual play, which counts as a win in my book. "Watch out for us come playoff time," said Captain Ashley Ramos, before realizing what the "run differential" column in the standings means.

3. CFB: The O-Face (2-1)

Every time CFB plays STU GOTZ, Facebook basically shuts down for the day. It's a trash-talking clinic. Unfortunately for The O-Face, despite all the fanfare, CFB has yet to register a victory against the Mob. In fact, it hasn't really ever been that close. This version of Captain Luis Barrios' orange squad, however, is mentally tough. All three of their games have been decided by one run -- and their two victories were walk-offs. If they can keep the game close into the later innings, they have a chance at knocking off the last undefeated team in CO Recess. Of course, the later innings are usually when the CFB players are blacking out, so all bets are off. (Author's Note: STUUUUUUUUUU)

4. BALLCRUSHERS (2-2)

I'm calling it now: this team will distinguish itself before the end of the season. The league's highest-scoring offense also gave STU GOTZ the best challenge yet. BALLCRUSHERS is second in run differential, and if they can tighten up on defense, they'll be a force in the playoffs. The Week 4 matchup of the WAKA newcomers versus the wily veterans on KNOCKN CLEATS should be fun to watch. Also, I really need to get to know some players on your team so I can write funny recaps. Please come out to Hayter's. I'll buy the beer, courtesy of J3.

5. Pink Tacos (1-1)

The Peep Show finally showed the league the secret to plating runs against the Pink Tacos' league-leading defense, aka The Meat Curtain: if the Tacos show up and actually play a game, they can be scored on. "I don't know what happened," said Pink Tacos all-star Jeremy Prolic. "We didn't allow any runs when we weren't scheduled and I was at home drinking beer on my couch. Now, all of a sudden, we're expected to actually pitch a ball to an opposing team? What kind of a league is this?" To their credit, the Tacos did rebound in the second game of their double-header. "We figured out what an out was," Prolic said. "I guess we need three of them."

6. KNOCKN CLEATS (1-2)

"We just got our asses handed to us by a better, more muscular team," said Captain Justin Spanbauer after popping out twice against STU GOTZ flamethrower Jeff "Golden" Golden in a Week 3 loss. "That Golden guy sure is sexy. It was really hard to concentrate with him out there on the mound." KNOCKN CLEATS may have fallen to 1-2, but a positive run differential hints that they're better than the record suggests. A Week 4 double-header against BALLCRUSHERS and the Pink Tacos will tell us a lot about this team's identity. It's a make-or-break week that could make a big difference in playoff seeding down the road.

7. The Peep Show (2-1)

Chirp!...

 ...derp. 
Happy birthday, Mark Harrington. To view the gift I got you, please highlight the area below: 

WHO GOTZ ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! 8-1 hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha 

Week 2 Power Rankings

CO RECESS POWER RANKINGS - WEEK 2

1. Pink Tacos (0-0) 

The Tacos have yet to give up a run in league play. Who will be the first to penetrate the Meat Curtain? The Peep Show and BALLCRUSHERS are on deck this week.

2. STU GOTZ (2-0) 

The Gotz Mob this week will be without the Gotzfather, who had to travel to Chicago “on business.” How will the players respond without their fearless leader? KNOCKN CLEATS is no easy foe.

3. BALLCRUSHERS (1-1)

 A close loss to the only remaining undefeated team followed by a victory against CFB, which was once thought to be a championship contender? When this team gets the WAKA rules dialed, it might be time for the veteran squads to start keeping a watchful eye on their balls.

4. KNOCKN CLEATS (1-1) 

Still sluggish from binge boozing and knockin’ sandals on the WAKA cruise, these players needs to regain their focus heading into a brawl with rival STU GOTZ.

5. CFB: The O-Face (1-1) 

The O-Face has lost a game by a run and won a game by a run. It wouldn’t be CFB without a sweat-inducing struggle that leads to a titillating late-night climax.

6. Safe Word (0-2) 

“Rumplemintz?! Rutabaga?!?! RENEE ZELLWEGER??!! OH GOD I DON’T REMEMBER THE WORD PLEASE STOP JUST STOP. (A cracking whip.) (Muffled gargling.) (Silence.)” – Overheard on the WAKA Cruise

7. The Peep Show (1-1) 

The mark of a good team is how well it responds following a tough loss. After scoring only one run against STU GOTZ, the road doesn’t get any easier for The Creeps as they take on the Pink Tacos and its league-leading defense.

CO MILE HIGH POWER RANKINGS - WEEK 2

1. Your Mom (2-0)

Indisputably the team to beat. The Lady in Green is in a class of her own, and it's not even close.

2. Rocky Mountain Ice (2-0)

Ice is currently the favorite to finish as the Mile High runner-up, but this squad has a lot of work to do if it ever wants to challenge Your Mom. There are some serious holes on the defense, which has almost allowed a run twice now in as many weeks.

3. Where My Pitches At? (0-0)

The blue team burst onto the scene in a big way in Week 2, showing up undermanned, late and without much knowledge of WAKA rules. That didn't stop them from almost beating the fully powered PINK TACOS, only losing by a run (the official result was a forfeit). More importantly, the Pitches seemed to be having the most fun of any team at Infinity Park.

4. Camp Gladiator Mile High Burpee Club (0-3)

I'm putting them this high with the hope of getting a free month of personal training. Don't judge me. It's almost bikini season.

5. PINK TACOS (1-1)

Has anyone tried the new Cool Ranch Dorito Taco from Taco Bell? Please send a review to wakadenvergmot@gmail.com. I'm curious. Oh, and the Tacos won their first game this week and look to build momentum with a double-header against Camp Gladiator and Grey Balls of Fire/50 Shades of Grey/11 Shades of Grey/Make Up Your Damn Mind Already. Blah blah blah. Cool Ranch Taco thoughts, please.

6. CFB: The Mile High Club (1-1)

I just made the correlation that there are two "Mile High Club"-themed teams in the CO Mile High league. I need some time to make jokes out of this. Please return next week.

7. Yahtzee! (1-1) 

The giant version of Yahtzee! that Ice brought must have got into the players' heads. After losing by 16, Yahtzee! looks to bounce back with some better rolls. Hint: it's all in the wrist, like I learned when I turned 12.  

8. Grey Balls of Fire! (1-1)

I refuse to put this team anywhere except the cellar until its name stays the same for two consecutive weeks. C'mon, man!