Kickballer Blasts Mother Nature on Twitter, Will Face Fines

A Denver kickballer will likely draw fines from the league after posting incendiary remarks about Mother Nature on his personal Twitter account.

Journeyman centerfielder Melvin “The Merman” Merkle took to the popular social networking site this week to vent his contempt for how Mother Nature is handling the spring season in Colorado.

“getting damn sick of this weather smh. mother nature be a straight punk bitch. #pissed #imsowet #thatswhatshesaid #beliebersunite,” Merkle wrote in the first of a three-part series of tweets.

Denver kickball teams have faced canceled game after canceled game this season, which appropriately started with the Great Denver Snow Bowl of 2013. The frustration Merkle voiced is shared by many.

“might have to pay mother nature a visit and give her a piece of my mind. she live in boulder, rite? #iswaynebradygonnahavetochokeabitch”

The lack of spring kickball has had an unexpected effect on the sport’s aficionados: a distinct rise in personal productivity. A Safe Word player who asked to remain anonymous said she recently received high praise at work for showing up on time three Fridays in a row. Players from both leagues have discovered new talents for crochet, homebrewing, literary fiction, stormchasing, calligraphy, crime scene investigation, online gaming and much more.

“I’ve seen a lot of new movies lately,” said a Rocky Mountain Ice player. “The Great Gatsby isn’t as good as the book, but it was OK.” 

Merkle’s final tweet, which was later removed after his Facebook relationship status was changed to single, expressed unhappiness with his newfound free time.

“its thursday and instead of kickball i gotta do canvas and cocktails with my girlfriend. go to hell mother nature #miserable”

WAKA is expected to hammer Merkle with a heavy penalty, perhaps as severe as two or three Smirnoff Ices. The league does a lot to appease Mother Nature. Countless hours every spring are spent engaged in anti-rain dances, frantic prayers to whatever God(s) will listen and launching experimental weather balloons designed to absorb airborne moisture.

"I'm not saying the player in question is wrong," said CO Radical Coordinator Phillip Jones. "But we don't want to piss off Mother Nature any further at this time."

For her part, Mother Nature remained mum on the issue and never responded directly to Merkle’s tweets. She did, however, post the following status update on Facebook yesterday. It’s unclear who she was addressing.

“lol u mad”