Friday Power Rankings by the intern

Sorry it's taken a while to write but my editor keeps me busy getting his/her coffee, and hormone therapy pills. Ugh hate this job...

Friday kickball! Wow! The collision of the greatest game and the biggest boozers I ever seen. These people have no shame......I like it. 

1. Yahtzee 2-2. How have they lost two games !? Led by the amazing Jen Monty, this team looks like they'll take it all this season. If the sprinkler system doesn't scare them away. 

The Second Coming 3-1. Where do they get these names? The second coming of what.....my puke.....my editor's screams for more lotion......the burrito Captain Raymond Bryant had for lunch? These are the questions I intend to explore! 

Back in Black 2-2. Led by the 8th wonder of the world, sexiest woman alive, and the #3 best kickballer in Denver.........Jeff "J3/ I ref with my eyes closed" Cornetet. This is the pluckiest, most spirited, and prettiest bunch of misfits I ever seen play the game. Though controversy surrounds this team stemming from accusations of illegal trades, ball smuggling, and the captain's alleged time in a Central American reffing school. 

CFB 1-3. So my source heard from a friend who heard from someone, who was in the bathroom, next door to the yelling from the window to the wall...wait what? Whatever! The once glorious and blacked out CFB was illegally dismantled due to Deer Antler Spray abuse. Left with a few core members, a 12 pack, and the Block Rocker, the team rages without the Chairman/ Champ David, (on a quest to find his manhood) spiritual leader Lydia, and Tutu Master Brenda. This team has seen more lineup changes than season 17 of the Power Rangers.

CO Mile High Power Rankings (WAKA Vets Conference) - Week 4

I apologize for the lack of power rankings the first few weeks. The intern who was covering for me during my sex vacation to Thailand has the ability to put together shoddy yet somehow comprehensible sentences, but asking him/her (we GMOT writers are anonymous, after all) to add math and wit to the equation would have been too much. However, he/she (it?) did a passable enough job that we're going to keep it around to write random articles and cover the Friday league. Without further ado:

1. Coming From Behind: Pandamonium! (4-0*)
What's that? CFB sissied out of the WAKA Vets conference and is now beating up on teams with little interest in competition? Oh. OK, I guess that sounds about right for CFB. Well, I'll leave them at No. 1 this week because they're 4-0 for the first time in a league that matters, and it's cute when their players start to get big heads.

2. B.O.B.B. (3-0)
I don't even know what that name means. Boys on Bananas Bonanza? Bubbly Orgasm Buddies Brigade? Bacon O! Bacon Bacon? Actually, that last one sounds kind of awesome. Dibs on the name for Fall. Whatever the acronym stands for, B.O.B.B. inched out Rocky Mountain Ice by .092 percentage points in this week's rankings because, as one voter put it, "RMI stands for Rainier Mountaineering, Inc., and I refuse to negotiate with plagiarists." That voter, who is also this writer, remains totally anonymous. Totally. Anonymous.

3. Rocky Mountain Ice (4-0)
A run differential of +61 is kind of hard to ignore. However, after walloping STU GOTZ and Stick It In in Week 1, Rocky Mountain Ice has given up three runs in two consecutive games. That's something like triple the amount of runs the team has allowed since its formation. Squared. The pre-season favorites better get their defensive issues sorted out, or they'll face the prospect of only beating Your Mom by a dozen or so.

4. Your Mom (1-2)
Still WAKA's longest-tenured team, even if many of the more familiar faces are now sporting white or black jerseys. That kind of veteran presence means about as much in kickball as raw talent. Speaking of our athletic abilities, wouldn't it be hilarious to have an Olympics-type event for WAKA players? 3-on-3 basketball, track and field, gymnastics, speed skating, fencing, etc. I predict the gold medalists would be determined not by times or wins and losses, but rather anyone who survived the day with both knees, a functional heart and lungs, and at least one Achilles tendon.

5. Vanimals (3-1)
The Vanimals gave Ice its toughest test thus far, but narrowly avoided a two-loss week when they snatched a win away from STU GOTZ in the sixth inning. You have to love a team that ignores league coordinator J3's (a Vanimal himself) themes and opts for their own, which I'm guessing has something to do with Gilligan's Island. I don't know. The third baseman was wearing a sailor hat and there were an awful lot of jean shorts running around.

5. Stick It In (0-3)
I love the name. I'm trying to think about how it might be a kickball pun, and even though I'm failing, the possibilities are getting more and more hilarious the further my mind stretches to make it work. Bravo. I have some experimenting to do. Hey, honey. Come over here for a sec. Bring the kickball.

6. STU GOTZ (1-2)
After technically winning the game, the Gotz captains, who usually practice good sportsmanship until about the eighth Coors Light or so, decided to play an unnecessary extra inning against the Vanimals. They promptly lost a heartbreaker, 10-9. "I'm making those assholes drink more next time," said a disgruntled Gotz infielder. "The co-captains are much more effective when they're yelling beer-fueled obscenities at everything in sight. At least then they're dick-ish enough to take a fifth-inning win when they have the chance."

*Because putting an asterisk by their record will piss them off

Steps to being awesome in kickball

1. Be yourself and show up with a 6pack of Miller 64, no one will judge. Haha kidding, anything less than 24 pack and we'll question your commitment.

2. Get there early and warm up. By warm up, I mean drink half your 24 pack and go pee every five minutes.

3. Argue with the ref on EVERY call. They love that competitive spirit. To show you appreciate his help and work hard, write his cell number under the phrase "call for a good time" in the port-a-potty.

4. When it's your turn to ref, step up to the challenge! Help ease that nervous feeling by getting black-out drunk, soliciting bribes, and developing your Jedi senses by reffing with your eyes closed.

5. Screaming in the face of your teammate, to remind them how they screwed up horribly is cool as long as you have minty fresh breath. So fresh and so clean!

6. Running around naked after you win the game is the only acceptable way to celebrate. Winning!

7. If you really want to show you're the best at flip cup, try it with a glass cup.

Obviously I'm psychotic maniac, and you should totally realize this is just for laughs

Let me tell you about Friday kickball....

Fridays!!!! Here's the rundown on the teams. 

Pink Tacos.......this team, runner ups in the "trying really hard" category can always party, though can't even seem to kick their way out of a paper bag. But led by the Kictator, my money's on them. 

CFB.....they are still around?!?? I don't even understand why they play? Should just skip the game and head straight to happy hour. Word on the street after the debacle at playoffs,  they rebuilt the team with mostly free agents. Even the Champ quit!

Yahtzee......Fridays is turning to the challenge of who is getting black out drunk first, and fastest. Yahtzee!! What can I say about them! Nothing! Don't like them. 

Mystery Team..... Thank god the learning curve in this league is small or we'd be really screwed. Welcome anonymous.

Thanks folks! Here all week, tip your bartender. 

Congrats to the 2013 Spring Champions!

STU GOTZ (CO Recess)

 

ROCKY MOUNTAIN ICE (CO Mile High) 

 

CO Recess Power Rankings - Weeks 4-I Can't Keep Track Anymore

1. BALLCRUSHERS (2-5)
The long-awaited debut of the green team at the flip cup tables finally happened, and it was glorious. Fueled by two games of kickball and Hayter's luxury cuisine, the BALLCRUSHERS were in the zone. One flip. One flip. One flip. The rest of the league was just glad the green players were dispersed amongst the teams, or it would have been a very lopsided evening. "I'm going to wear a cup if I ever play them in Bags," said Free Agent Waterboy Mario Portillo.

2. The Peep Show (6-1)
Despite the fact that team captain Mark Harrington was dressed as a European House DJ and most of the girls appeared to think they were at a rave, the Peeps went 3-0 in their triple-header. The yellow team sure knows how to rock a theme week. Barring some epic Saturday morning developments, the Peeps are locked into the No. 2 seed and will face Safe Word in the first round.

3. Safe Word (0-7)
Move over, CFB. There's a new sheriff in town. Week in and week out, Safe Word (found out yesterday the word is actually "forfeit") shows up in force at Hayter's, officially wrestling the "loud and obnoxious party team" crown from the O-Face. The gauntlet has been thrown down. How will CFB respond? Tune in to the end-of-season party to find out.

4. Pink Tacos (2-4)
The Meat Curtain got chewed up (heh) by CFB and STU GOTZ, though the latter kicked most of their balls a foot in front of home plate. You can't count such treachery against the Tacos. "One chick actually kicked it from the mound. I hadn't even pitched yet," said Tacos fireballer Kristen KW. Regardless, the Tacos will look to regroup for a tournament run. The Summer 2012 runners-up can't ever be counted out.

6. KNOCKN CLEATS (4-3)
Like the Pink Tacos, KNOCKN CLEATS can be a dark house in the championship race despite an inconsistent regular season. The blue team's players just need to avoid looking ahead to the summer, when the departure of STU GOTZ to CO Mile High and several key free agent acquisitions will make KNOCKN CLEATS the heavy league favorites.

6. Coming From Behind: The O-Face (3-4)
The Saturday tournament will be interesting. CFB will likely start strong, but can the players moderate their drinking enough to have a chance in the later rounds? Vegas puts the over/under of beers consumed before noon by CFB at 248.

7. STU GOTZ (7-0)
Meh. Can't seem to beat anyone by more than five runs. The first-round bye will be crucial for the Mob as they try to advance to the second round.




Are you interested in contributing to WAKA's Ghost Man on Third blog for the summer seasons? We're looking for a few gorgeous badasses to cover CO Recess and CO Radical. Lots of perks for volunteers, including the opportunity to be close to me on a regular basis. Inquire within at wakadenvergmot@gmail.com.

Kickballer Blasts Mother Nature on Twitter, Will Face Fines

A Denver kickballer will likely draw fines from the league after posting incendiary remarks about Mother Nature on his personal Twitter account.

Journeyman centerfielder Melvin “The Merman” Merkle took to the popular social networking site this week to vent his contempt for how Mother Nature is handling the spring season in Colorado.

“getting damn sick of this weather smh. mother nature be a straight punk bitch. #pissed #imsowet #thatswhatshesaid #beliebersunite,” Merkle wrote in the first of a three-part series of tweets.

Denver kickball teams have faced canceled game after canceled game this season, which appropriately started with the Great Denver Snow Bowl of 2013. The frustration Merkle voiced is shared by many.

“might have to pay mother nature a visit and give her a piece of my mind. she live in boulder, rite? #iswaynebradygonnahavetochokeabitch”

The lack of spring kickball has had an unexpected effect on the sport’s aficionados: a distinct rise in personal productivity. A Safe Word player who asked to remain anonymous said she recently received high praise at work for showing up on time three Fridays in a row. Players from both leagues have discovered new talents for crochet, homebrewing, literary fiction, stormchasing, calligraphy, crime scene investigation, online gaming and much more.

“I’ve seen a lot of new movies lately,” said a Rocky Mountain Ice player. “The Great Gatsby isn’t as good as the book, but it was OK.” 

Merkle’s final tweet, which was later removed after his Facebook relationship status was changed to single, expressed unhappiness with his newfound free time.

“its thursday and instead of kickball i gotta do canvas and cocktails with my girlfriend. go to hell mother nature #miserable”

WAKA is expected to hammer Merkle with a heavy penalty, perhaps as severe as two or three Smirnoff Ices. The league does a lot to appease Mother Nature. Countless hours every spring are spent engaged in anti-rain dances, frantic prayers to whatever God(s) will listen and launching experimental weather balloons designed to absorb airborne moisture.

"I'm not saying the player in question is wrong," said CO Radical Coordinator Phillip Jones. "But we don't want to piss off Mother Nature any further at this time."

For her part, Mother Nature remained mum on the issue and never responded directly to Merkle’s tweets. She did, however, post the following status update on Facebook yesterday. It’s unclear who she was addressing.

“lol u mad”