Week 2 Power Rankings

CO RECESS POWER RANKINGS - WEEK 2

1. Pink Tacos (0-0) 

The Tacos have yet to give up a run in league play. Who will be the first to penetrate the Meat Curtain? The Peep Show and BALLCRUSHERS are on deck this week.

2. STU GOTZ (2-0) 

The Gotz Mob this week will be without the Gotzfather, who had to travel to Chicago “on business.” How will the players respond without their fearless leader? KNOCKN CLEATS is no easy foe.

3. BALLCRUSHERS (1-1)

 A close loss to the only remaining undefeated team followed by a victory against CFB, which was once thought to be a championship contender? When this team gets the WAKA rules dialed, it might be time for the veteran squads to start keeping a watchful eye on their balls.

4. KNOCKN CLEATS (1-1) 

Still sluggish from binge boozing and knockin’ sandals on the WAKA cruise, these players needs to regain their focus heading into a brawl with rival STU GOTZ.

5. CFB: The O-Face (1-1) 

The O-Face has lost a game by a run and won a game by a run. It wouldn’t be CFB without a sweat-inducing struggle that leads to a titillating late-night climax.

6. Safe Word (0-2) 

“Rumplemintz?! Rutabaga?!?! RENEE ZELLWEGER??!! OH GOD I DON’T REMEMBER THE WORD PLEASE STOP JUST STOP. (A cracking whip.) (Muffled gargling.) (Silence.)” – Overheard on the WAKA Cruise

7. The Peep Show (1-1) 

The mark of a good team is how well it responds following a tough loss. After scoring only one run against STU GOTZ, the road doesn’t get any easier for The Creeps as they take on the Pink Tacos and its league-leading defense.

CO MILE HIGH POWER RANKINGS - WEEK 2

1. Your Mom (2-0)

Indisputably the team to beat. The Lady in Green is in a class of her own, and it's not even close.

2. Rocky Mountain Ice (2-0)

Ice is currently the favorite to finish as the Mile High runner-up, but this squad has a lot of work to do if it ever wants to challenge Your Mom. There are some serious holes on the defense, which has almost allowed a run twice now in as many weeks.

3. Where My Pitches At? (0-0)

The blue team burst onto the scene in a big way in Week 2, showing up undermanned, late and without much knowledge of WAKA rules. That didn't stop them from almost beating the fully powered PINK TACOS, only losing by a run (the official result was a forfeit). More importantly, the Pitches seemed to be having the most fun of any team at Infinity Park.

4. Camp Gladiator Mile High Burpee Club (0-3)

I'm putting them this high with the hope of getting a free month of personal training. Don't judge me. It's almost bikini season.

5. PINK TACOS (1-1)

Has anyone tried the new Cool Ranch Dorito Taco from Taco Bell? Please send a review to wakadenvergmot@gmail.com. I'm curious. Oh, and the Tacos won their first game this week and look to build momentum with a double-header against Camp Gladiator and Grey Balls of Fire/50 Shades of Grey/11 Shades of Grey/Make Up Your Damn Mind Already. Blah blah blah. Cool Ranch Taco thoughts, please.

6. CFB: The Mile High Club (1-1)

I just made the correlation that there are two "Mile High Club"-themed teams in the CO Mile High league. I need some time to make jokes out of this. Please return next week.

7. Yahtzee! (1-1) 

The giant version of Yahtzee! that Ice brought must have got into the players' heads. After losing by 16, Yahtzee! looks to bounce back with some better rolls. Hint: it's all in the wrist, like I learned when I turned 12.  

8. Grey Balls of Fire! (1-1)

I refuse to put this team anywhere except the cellar until its name stays the same for two consecutive weeks. C'mon, man!

Week 1 Power Rankings

 CO RECESS POWER RANKINGS - WEEK 1

1. The Peep Show (1-0)

The significant other of one of their players thinks The Creeps are the best team in the whole universe, so it must be true, right?

2. Pink Tacos (0-0)

These savvy veterans are employing the age-old strategy of "if we don't show up, we can't lose," and thus far it's working to perfection. The Tacos currently boast the league's best defense with 0 runs allowed. Don't expect that to change this week. Is a nickname of "The Meat Curtain" for their defense too gross? Yes? OK, noted. We'll go with "The Chastity Belt."

3. STU GOTZ (1-0)

It's well established that Italians don't like the snow, and thus the Gotz Mob only had 17-18 players show up Friday. Some of them even got to kick twice. It was an unprecedented event.

4. CFB: The O-Face (1-0)

The O-Face had to wait until the final inning to enjoy its vinegar strokes in a tight game against KNOCKN CLEATS. Said Captain Luis Barrios after the walkoff win, "No comment. I have to change my pants."

5. BALLCRUSHERS (0-1)

The new kids on the block had a tough matchup in their first-ever WAKA game, but they displayed skill and proved they know how to party. It's exciting to have yet another fun team in the league. NOTE: Their name refers to kicking ability, not to their love for roshambo. Opposing males can rest easy.

6. KNOCKN CLEATS (0-1)

If you can't even beat The O-Face, who CAN you beat?

7. Safe Word (0-1)
This team is trying to institute some newfangled field positioning, but it might be time for them to say the word (it's Rumpelstiltskin, by the way) and resort to a more traditional scheme after allowing a league-high 9 runs.

CO MILE HIGH POWER RANKINGS - WEEK 1

1. Where My Pitches At? (0-0)
Who?

2. Your Mom (1-0)
The Green Machine is sure to have yet another impressive regular season, but can it avoid "Pulling a Rahim Moore" once playoff time rolls around? As a non-Broncos fan, I plan to use this joke regularly. Deal with it. It amuses me.

3. 11 Shades of Grey (1-0)
The surprise of Week 1, this newly formed squad impressed in every phase of the game. "Surprise? I told you this would happen like two weeks ago," said Jeff "J3" Cornetet. "Also I just signed The Gaze..." (J3 exits nervously as a member of WAKA's recruiting investigation committee enters the room.)

4. PINK TACOS (0-1)
The Tacos lost their first game under questionable circumstances, and immediately filed a complaint to WAKA about head referee Ben "Tim Donaghy" Mendenhall, who is now serving time in federal prison for his part in a kickball gambling ring. The addition of USA Dave "La Flama Blanca" Rieken should provide a needed lift as the Tacos look to enter the win column.

5. CFB: The Mile High Club (0-1)
To add insult to injury, The Mile High Club lost its star pitcher in a trade to the Pink Tacos a mere 24 hours after a Week 1 defeat to Your Mom. The terms of the deal  have not been disclosed, but sources say all CFB received in return was a packet of Taco Bell hot sauce and a warm Four Loko (fruit punch flavor). In his press conference announcing the decision, USA Dave had this to say: "I'm sick and tired of carrying all the weight, the coaches and owners not giving me the shit I need to win. CFB, you're ****ing out. USA Dave is now a free agent. Let's find a bar and get shit-faced. Get me paid, bitch! Superstar!"

6. Rocky Mountain Ice (1-0)
It's yet to be seen if Ice has to forfeit its Week 1 win due to the ref's involvement in a sports betting ring, but the team has bigger concerns. Contrary to lofty preseason expectations, RMI allowed a whopping two or three baserunners in its first game. The Tacos may have shown the rest of the league the formula for beating Ice: getting people on base and then kicking again so they can cross home plate.

7. Camp Gladiator Mile High Burpee Club (0-2)
Once the rest of the league realizes how cool its uniforms are, it'll be tough to beat Camp Gladiator.

8. Yahtzee! (1-0)
I have no logic for putting them this low, except I don't think I've ever played Yahtzee! and thus I don't understand the rules. When I get confused, I get angry.

INTRODUCING YOUR SPRING 2013 WAKA DENVER TEAMS!

CO RECESS (THURSDAYS)

CO Recess is traditionally the chill league centered on themes, friends and parties, and this year won't be any different. We're still going to crank the fun level up to 100. That said, Recess is newly Founders Cup-eligible, and several of the top squads from recent seasons find themselves squaring off on Thursday nights. While CO Mile High might have the history of stronger competition and WAKA Denver's "superteam," CO Recess is stacked from top to bottom:

The Peep Show

Quite simply, the Peeps do it right. They play to win but never lose sight of the fact that, hey, we’re adults playing kickball. The CO Recess Summer 2012 Scruffy’s Cup winners almost always contend in the theme week competitions and are best known for over-the-top costumes, flip cup prowess and that annoying “CHIRP CHIRP” cheer. Rivals with the Pink Tacos.

STU GOTZ

Known as the Gotz Mob due to the sheer size of the team, STU GOTZ has a fetish for silver medals. Runners-up in two of the last three seasons, they’ve shed the scrappy underdog label and are now annual contenders who walk the line between competitive and fun as well as any team in WAKA. Oh, and STU GOTZ means “Your Balls” in Italian. Rivals with Your Mom, Coming From Behind and Justin Spanbauer.

Pink Tacos

The CO Recess Summer 2012 runners-up followed a path familiar for new WAKA teams last year, transforming from a team of strangers into a force to be reckoned with come tourney time. Kickball aside, the Tacos shine in the role of “life of the party,” bringing dominance to theme weeks and the flip cup tables. You won’t have to worry about having a fun time when the Tacos appear on your schedule. They might even let you SLAP THE BAG. Rivals with The Peep Show.

Coming From Behind: The O-Face

Coming From Behind is, in some people’s minds, the favorite to win CO Recess. This power-drinking team has the talent, but they’re usually too wasted by the second inning to do much of anything. Rumor has it the O-Face is hopping partially on-the-wagon to try to keep it together until at least the fourth inning this season. Regardless, CFB will definitely be the team partying hardest at Hayter’s afterward. An all-around great group that exemplifies what makes WAKA the best league in Denver. Rivals with STU GOTZ, Four Loko and Jagermeister.

Safe Word

New to WAKA Denver this year, Safe Word is a team composed mostly of free agents. Captain Ashley Ramos (The Chancellor of Awesome), however, is a veteran from California who knows her way around a kickball. Free agent teams are a guaranteed blast, and it probably won’t take long for the Chancellor to get this squad up to speed. Rivalries undetermined.

KNOCKN CLEATS

A “new” team that has deep WAKA roots. KNOCKN CLEATS is, in effect, the Thursday night edition of Your Mom, a long-established team playing in CO Mile High this season. Rivalries undetermined, but a good bet is STU GOTZ.

BALLCRUSHERS

New to WAKA but not to kickball, the BALLCRUSHERS are a veteran team from another Denver-area league. Ecstatic upon finding out WAKA players can openly drink on the field, when reminded about "3.2" laws in Colorado captain Christina Hartsel responded with, "I'm not THAT short!" Rivals with 3.2% laws in Colorado, high cupboards and amusement park rides with height restrictions.

CO MILE HIGH (FRIDAYS)

City of Cuernavaca Park on Friday nights is historically where the best kickball teams in Denver come to play. Though several of the formerly strong squads have merged to form a "superteam" and STU GOTZ moved to CO Recess for the spring, the newcomers will surely jump right into the mix. The level of competition is high, but CO Mile High still knows how to party. You'll be hard-pressed to find a crowd anywhere in Denver that rivals the rowdiness of Hayter's after an evening of hard-fought Friday night kickball.

PINK TACOS

The name isn’t a coincidence; these Tacos are one-and-the-same as CO Recess’ Pink Tacos. Most of the Taco regulars opted for Thursday nights, but a few had prior commitments to other teams. Because once a Taco, always a Taco, those players formed a Friday squad that was filled out with the coolest free agents they could find at the pre-season pub crawls. Expect ridiculous costumes, wine bag-slapping and the most coveted trucker hats in Denver, all managed by THE KICKTATOR himself. Rivalries undetermined.

11 Shades of Grey

A free agent team with a solid core of veterans and strong sexual desires. Captained by Pink Tacos defector Jeff “J3” Cornetet, aka “Broken Wing,” the necessary leadership is there. Rumor has it there might be some serious talent, as well. No matter how they start the season, 11 Shades will likely be a shoe-in for Most Improved Team when all is said and done. Watch out come tournament time. Rivalries undetermined.

Camp Gladiator Mile High Burpee Club

Welcome to WAKA! This new team of fitness fanatics is bringing their considerable muscle to the kickball fields. Also, since it’s a question that’s already come up: a burpee, aka a squat thrust, is a four-part full-body exercise that combines strength and aerobic training. Given their name, we can all hope the Gladiators do a few burpees for every run scored. Rivals with laziness and fast food.

Your Mom

WAKA’s longest-tenured team returns for yet another season. The perennial contenders are in a bit of a championship drought, but the Lady in Green can always be counted on for a good time. Your Mom has made a habit of going to Vegas and representing WAKA Denver well, both on the fields and at the parties. Rivals with STU GOTZ and the several teams that have transformed into Rocky Mountain Ice.

Coming From Behind: The Mile High Club

This is the Coming From Behind we all know and love. Even if CFB: The O-Face is a tad more competitive on Thursdays, The Mile High Club promises to be the same old costume-wearing, Four Loko-drinking, dancing, rowdy, crazy, ridiculously good-looking CFB. If you’re lucky you might even get an invite to one of USA Dave’s legendary pre-parties. Rivals with blacking out.

Rocky Mountain Ice

A conglomerate of all-stars poached from other and former competitive WAKA teams. Rocky Mountain Ice (RMI), aka “the Superteam,” is in it to win it, and you can expect their A-Game every week. They better bring it, too, because everyone will take their best shot at knocking the kings off the hill. Though they’re WAKA Denver’s most competitive squad this year, RMI is composed of some of the most genuinely fun and nice players around. Rivalries undetermined, but you can bet when RMI and Your Mom face off, it’ll be one of the most entertaining games of the year.

Yahtzee!

The team is new to WAKA Denver, but most of the faces are familiar. Captained by Mike Hale and Jen “Mighty Mouse” Montgomery, it won’t take long for arguably WAKA Denver’s best-named squad to pull together. Whatever cheers they come up with are sure to be a hit. Rivals with Monopoly, Trivial Pursuit and Chutes and Ladders.

Top 10 Things You Can Dodge in Real Life

Dodgeball is a 24/7 sport. Sure, we only play once a week, but to be at your very best you must be training at all times. And let's face it, between work, drinking beer on days that end in "-y" and watching American Idol, who has time to work out? The good news is that the real world presents an excellent practice facility. Here's a list of objects and people you can dodge in your day-to-day life to hone your skills for Wednesday nights:

1. Bullets
Next time you travel to Detroit, simply survive to tell the tale. Boom. Instant dodgeball superstar. Bonus points if you do so wearing a Packers jersey.

2. Your ex-girlfriends calls...and novel-length e-mails...and texts...
This is high-stakes dodging. She'll eventually go away, but if you respond even once, you'll likely be subjected to an additional month in Crazy Town. She's like a mouse hitting a lever for cheese. If cheese comes out, she'll keep hitting the lever. If no cheese comes out, she'll give up and go on a "soulsearching trip" to South America. Before long some dude named Mauricio will take her off your hands.

3. Your ex-boyfriend's late-night drunk texts
He dumped you, and he's realizing he made a huge mistake. It turns out his beer gut and lack of dubstep knowledge means his 30-year-old ass can't pick up randoms like he could in his college days. After another night of failure and rejection, he texts you at 1:40 a.m., "hi babye what r u diong lol." DODGE. DODGE. DODGE. Or wake up in the morning with that crippling sense of shame, going down a path that will turn you into the girl in #2 above. Your call.

4. A wrench
Do you see what I did there? LOL!!!1!11!! There was a MOVIE about DODGEBALL. We PLAY DODGEBALL! Damn I'm clever. Maybe I should call my agent. I think I'm ready for SNL.

5. Greenpeace/Planned Parenthood/Homeless Ambassadors on 16th Street Mall
So, you're heading down to the Patagonia store to buy a $400 jacket to wear to your nephew's soccer games or to Tilted Kilt because you "really like their food." At every intersection you're bombarded with homeless men selling some sort of newspaper or hipsters trying to get you to sign a petition. Run the gauntlet from Colfax to Blake, and if you successfully don't make eye contact with any of these interlopers, you win. The use of headphones or faking like you just got a call on your cell is cheating and will not improve your dodgeball skills.

6. Falling rocks
Visit any outdoor rock climbing area and stand directly under a climber.

7. Snowboarders adjusting their bindings in the middle of runs
Seriously, you can't go over to the side of the slope?

8. Your roommate asking you to clean the oven
Any chore that potentially involves the use of a wire brush should be dodged at all costs.

9. Deer
Driving on a two-lane mountain highway at night is like Mother Nature's equivalent of Death Race. Live your life a quarter-mile at a time.

10. Spring kickball league invites not from WAKA
'nuff said.

MAKE YOUR MARK

This is the time of year we've been waiting for, sports fans. The NFL, NBA, NHL and MLB are mere distractions to pass the time during the offseason of America's True Pastime: DODGEBALL! Six weeks of gunslingin', red-mark-leavin', Play-of-the-Day-catch-makin', beer-drinkin' fun, broadcast live in all its glory on ESPN8: THE OCHO.

Heroes will be made. Women will swoon over hunks reminiscent of Greek Gods with unbelievable muscles and sweet headbands, and men will fall head over heels for femme fatales with emasculating arm-cannons and feline agility. Who will be the stars of the next six weeks, those rare talents who transcend sports and become international icons? Time will tell. But for now, let's take a look back at the Top 5 Superstars of the Past, remembering their dominance as we prepare for a new crop of legends to emerge.

1. Megan "Saturn V Rocket" Williams (1999-2010, Portland Mustaches)
Williams is the all-time leader in knockouts, and is perhaps best known for ending Louis the Lobster's career with a chest-shot that stopped his heart for two whole minutes. After retirement, Williams went on to become one of the world's top philanthropists, throwing care packages from the French Riviera into war-torn Somalia.

2. Fince "Not Vince" Faughn (1996-2000, Moderate Jim's Fitness)
The inspiration for the movie that put our sport in the national spotlight. Like John Elway, Faughn went out on top, retiring after defeating heavy favorites World-Gym for the national dodgeball title.

3. Danny "The Irish Guy" McShanahan-Laughlin (2002, New Orleans Pelicans; 2003-2011, Detroit Decay)
The 29th-round draft pick came out of nowhere in 2004 when starter and former NFL dud Ryan Leaf went down with a separated shoulder. McShanahan-Laughlin parlayed his stellar rookie season and a "My Name is Danny" rap video into a huge contract with the Decay. He was on track to break every record in the books before shocking the world and retiring in his prime to "get drunk in the mornings."

4. Jeff "J3" Cornetet (Undrafted)
Aiming to become "Michael Jordan, except successful," the kickball phenom was seeking to deny the impossible and become a two-sport athlete. Scouts raved over his arm, leaping ability and overnight beard growth. One anonymous talent evaluator called Cornetet "dodgeball's future Wilt Chamberlain." Sadly, Cornetet never lived up to the Jordan or Chamberlain references. Instead, he "Pulled a Roethlisberger," injuring himself in a contract-breaching snowboard accident. "I was just trying to shred the gnar and catch some wicked air, brah," Cornetet said. Oh, what could have been.

5. Mariah "The Pariah" Scifres (1994-1995, Atlanta Airports; 1996, New York Jay-Zs; 1997-1999, Seattle Anti-Depressants; 2000-2001, Virginia Lovers; 2002, Denver Transplants)
Scifres, dodgeball's first and only blind professional, was renowned for her arm strength and penchant for friendly fire. When she was on, she was on, racking up a record-setting 119 knockouts in 1996. Unfortunately, 54 of those were against her own team. Franchise after desperate franchise took a flier on Scifres, but none were able to hone her raw talent. The Pariah has shed her nickname and become a top-notch broadcaster for THE OCHO, able to discern who just got out by listening to their girly screams.
 

Winkle's Wrinkles: The Strategies of Kickball

After a stint in minor league baseball straight out of high school, author Corey Winkle returned to college to play kickball at South-Southwest Missouri Technical Institute of Technology. He was a first-round draft pick at the age of 28, but failed to adjust to the speed of the pro game. Winkle retired after three years and founded the kickball school at the famed IMG Academies in Florida. He has since worked with such prolific kickballers as Lydia Rapp, Jeff Golden and Luis Barrios, helping them hone their skills and become perennial all-stars.

Today’s topic: DEFENSE. It’s almost a bad word these days. Back in the 80s, if some fool tried to advance to third base on a single, you better believe such hall-of-fame shortstops as Will “The Clothesliner” Davis or Becca “The Wrecka” Leonard would have clocked them out cold. Unfortunately, league rules have evolved over time to favor player safety. But there’s still a place for defense in today’s game.

Let’s start outside and work our way in. That’s what she said?

It’s hard to find two teams that use the exact same outfield alignment, but the first rule is not to let the ball get over your head. Another that’s what she said? Boy, if it was 2006 and that joke was still funny, I’d be on a real roll here. Anyway. If you think you’re playing too far back, you’re probably not. You can scoot in on people you know can’t boot it very far, but against bigger guys or ex-soccer weenies, BACK! UP! Most home runs can be prevented if you don’t let them sail past you. When you get the ball in the outfield, either run or throw it in as quickly as possible. There’s no lollygagging in kickball. If runners are moving, get the ball to the appropriate base. If they’re not, get it to the pitcher.

While we’re at it, let’s repeat that little statement a couple times:

Get the ball to the pitcher!

Get the ball to the pitcher!

Get the ball to the pitcher!

If there was Rule No. 1 for kickball, that would be it. As soon as the pitcher has the ball, runners can no longer advance. If you’re unsure what to do, throw the ball to the pitcher. If you have a noodle arm and have no hope of gunning out that jackass sliding into home, throw the ball to the pitcher. If you wake up in the middle of the night and have to pee, throw the damn ball to the damn pitcher. Got it? Good.

On to the infield. Every position is key, but the especially important ones are third base, first base and catcher. When suspecting a bunt, the third baseman should play as far up as allowed – right on the imaginary line running from third base to the pitcher’s mound. Rush forward as soon as the ball is kicked and field the bunt. This is also why an attentive, athletic catcher is key. Good catchers will run up right behind every kicker and be ready to pick up bunts. The first baseman, of course, should be able to catch anything thrown in their direction. Except STDs. That’s gross.

Those are the basics. For more advanced, position-specific techniques, look into IMG Academy’s winter offseason programs, such as “Throwing the Ball Like a Man,” “You Look Like A Princess When You Catch, Here’s How Not To” and “Aggressive Beer Drinking 401.”

Next week’s topic: BASE RUNNING!

Don't leave behind your friends this Fall, do it up WAKA style!

Just because the weather gets cooler, doesn't mean the fun slows down! The World Adult Kickball Association is bringing you two great ways to stay in touch with your friends this fall for the Best Parties. Best Games. Best Friends. Don't miss out!

The Fall Season of CO Mountain kickball is already rolling down south on the amazing Brent Mayne Fields at Centennial Park.  We're lighting it up on these fields with games starting at 6:45 PM and partying at Mike's Tavern on South Broadway.

Coming Soon! Denver Bar Games at Hayter's and CO - Starts Oct 10th

www.kickball.com/codenverbargames