CO Recess Power Rankings - Week 4

1. The Peep Show (3-1)

Wow! What a rise for The Peeps, who finished last week in the cellar of these power rankings. Since losing to STU GOTZ, The Creeps have defeated two good teams in the Pink Tacos and CFB, and done so comfortably. Power rankings voters must be putting a lot of stock in the 7-2 victory against the O-Face, especially given that the Mob has only managed a 4-0 win against the same team an hour before. CHIRP CHIRP!

2. Safe Word (0-5)

The red team had a strong showing at Hayter’s after apparently trolling the Pink Tacos. “Yeah, we lost 12-2, whatever. It’s just because we want to build up their playoff hopes,” said Safe Word Catcher Mike Tsang. “It’s going to be hilarious. Hey, did you get your tickets to Fast 6 yet?” Bold prediction: Safe Word will NOT lose to STU GOTZ tonight, thus avoiding an 0-6 mark.

3. STU GOTZ (4-0)

The last undefeated team continues to roll, but not all is well at Mob Headquarters. Rumors are swirling third-baseman Jeff Golden has been optioned to the Detroit Penal Leagues after what analysts are calling “The Worst Kickball Play of All Time.” Golden, while playing for CO Recess’ Pink Tacos, fielded an easy ground ball. After squaring up to gun out a runner three feet away heading to home plate, he promptly fired the ball at a 90-degree angle away from the kickball field. The game-winning run scored on the overthrow. “Man, I know it didn’t even happen while he was playing for us,” said STU GOTZ Bench Coach Shane Dogmillionaire. “But once you lose your edge at this level, it’s over.”

“He was getting old as hell anyways,” Dogmillionaire added.

4. KNOCKN CLEATS (3-2)

KNOCKN CLEATS bounced back in a big way after a Week 2 loss, dominating assumed contenders in back-to-back games. The WAKA on Water cruise hangover must be wearing off. Signs of locker room trouble are apparent every week at Hayter’s, however, as Captain Justin Spanbauer is convinced his voice is louder than Christy Bailey’s (blatantly untrue). It’s not a big deal yet, but this is the kind of squabble that can tear a team apart if left unchecked.

“Match up!” - Spanny.

“MATCH UUUUUUUPPPPPPPP!” - Christy.

5. Pink Tacos (2-2)

The Tacos lost the first game of their doubleheader against KNOCKN CLEATS, and then racked up an impressive 12 runs against Safe Word. So impressive, in fact, that the league is investigating if the Tacos may have bribed the refs with liquor from a pink flask. “That’s absurd,” said the ref, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “I accepted bribes equally from both teams. It’s not my fault the close call down the third-base line happened to come right after Safe Word gave me a warm Natty Light.” For some reason, the ref then spent the next three minutes of the interview winking at me.

6. BALLCRUSHERS (2-3)

The green team ran into a motivated veteran squad in KNOCKN CLEATS, and still put up a decent fight. BALLCRUSHERS still boasts the league's best offense and has a knack for being in every game. That's the kind of team that can surprise some people in the tournament. They'd be ranked higher if they had a stronger presence at Hayter's, as that's a huge part of the WAKA experience. Come on, green team! We don't bite...ok, maybe Safe Word does...

7. Coming from Behind: The O-Face (2-3)

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. The O-Face came into the CO Recess spring season considered by many to be the favorite to win it all, and yet halfway through the schedule can’t even crack a .500 record. To add insult to injury, they lost both games last week against hated rivals STU GOTZ and The Peep Show. That’s not the whole story, though. CFB continues to dominate the pre, current and after parties on both Thursday and Friday nights. And they are the unquestioned kings of the flip cup table. “Plus, we do have a kickball championship from last fall, against totally legit competition,” Captain Luis Barrios said, before failing to contain his laughter.

CO Recess - Bar Buzz - Week 3

How did your team shape up at the bar two weeks ago?! If you're not happy about your ranking well, maybe that should tell you something. Check out your teams rankings here and I'll be watching you Thursday at Hayter's! :)

- Fly, the Bar Fly

Bar Buzz - CO Recess - Week 3

CO Recess Power Rankings - Week 3

1. STU GOTZ* (3-0)

It's safe to say now that the Gotz Mob is undeniably the best kickball team in the galaxy. Even without All-Universe pitcher Ryan Barno, who was named GQ's Sexiest Man Alive in 2011, the Mob continued to roll in Week 3. Rumors are flying that WAKA might just go ahead and give STU GOTZ the Founder's Cup, since  "no other team on planet Earth, past or present, can compare with their general awesomeness on or off the field," said WAKA Czar Lydia Rapp. "They belong in another league, one reserved for people equally as good-looking as them, which is like no one. CFB Sucks. STUUUUUUU!!!!!!!" Rapp then preceded to shout "WHO GOTZ" for 19 straight hours.**

*The author may or may not play for STU GOTZ. I'm anonymous, bitches.

**Rapp's interview was paraphrased and significantly altered to suit my needs. There's such thing as journalistic license, right? At least on CNN...

2. Safe Word (0-4)

Rumpelstiltskin vaulted into the No. 2 spot with an impressive snow-day showing at Hayter's last week. The red team had the biggest bar presence despite the canceled games, challenged only by the 719-member STU GOTZ. On top of that, Safe Word almost beat CFB during the last week of actual play, which counts as a win in my book. "Watch out for us come playoff time," said Captain Ashley Ramos, before realizing what the "run differential" column in the standings means.

3. CFB: The O-Face (2-1)

Every time CFB plays STU GOTZ, Facebook basically shuts down for the day. It's a trash-talking clinic. Unfortunately for The O-Face, despite all the fanfare, CFB has yet to register a victory against the Mob. In fact, it hasn't really ever been that close. This version of Captain Luis Barrios' orange squad, however, is mentally tough. All three of their games have been decided by one run -- and their two victories were walk-offs. If they can keep the game close into the later innings, they have a chance at knocking off the last undefeated team in CO Recess. Of course, the later innings are usually when the CFB players are blacking out, so all bets are off. (Author's Note: STUUUUUUUUUU)

4. BALLCRUSHERS (2-2)

I'm calling it now: this team will distinguish itself before the end of the season. The league's highest-scoring offense also gave STU GOTZ the best challenge yet. BALLCRUSHERS is second in run differential, and if they can tighten up on defense, they'll be a force in the playoffs. The Week 4 matchup of the WAKA newcomers versus the wily veterans on KNOCKN CLEATS should be fun to watch. Also, I really need to get to know some players on your team so I can write funny recaps. Please come out to Hayter's. I'll buy the beer, courtesy of J3.

5. Pink Tacos (1-1)

The Peep Show finally showed the league the secret to plating runs against the Pink Tacos' league-leading defense, aka The Meat Curtain: if the Tacos show up and actually play a game, they can be scored on. "I don't know what happened," said Pink Tacos all-star Jeremy Prolic. "We didn't allow any runs when we weren't scheduled and I was at home drinking beer on my couch. Now, all of a sudden, we're expected to actually pitch a ball to an opposing team? What kind of a league is this?" To their credit, the Tacos did rebound in the second game of their double-header. "We figured out what an out was," Prolic said. "I guess we need three of them."

6. KNOCKN CLEATS (1-2)

"We just got our asses handed to us by a better, more muscular team," said Captain Justin Spanbauer after popping out twice against STU GOTZ flamethrower Jeff "Golden" Golden in a Week 3 loss. "That Golden guy sure is sexy. It was really hard to concentrate with him out there on the mound." KNOCKN CLEATS may have fallen to 1-2, but a positive run differential hints that they're better than the record suggests. A Week 4 double-header against BALLCRUSHERS and the Pink Tacos will tell us a lot about this team's identity. It's a make-or-break week that could make a big difference in playoff seeding down the road.

7. The Peep Show (2-1)

Chirp!...

 ...derp. 
Happy birthday, Mark Harrington. To view the gift I got you, please highlight the area below: 

WHO GOTZ ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! 8-1 hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha 

Week 2 Power Rankings

CO RECESS POWER RANKINGS - WEEK 2

1. Pink Tacos (0-0) 

The Tacos have yet to give up a run in league play. Who will be the first to penetrate the Meat Curtain? The Peep Show and BALLCRUSHERS are on deck this week.

2. STU GOTZ (2-0) 

The Gotz Mob this week will be without the Gotzfather, who had to travel to Chicago “on business.” How will the players respond without their fearless leader? KNOCKN CLEATS is no easy foe.

3. BALLCRUSHERS (1-1)

 A close loss to the only remaining undefeated team followed by a victory against CFB, which was once thought to be a championship contender? When this team gets the WAKA rules dialed, it might be time for the veteran squads to start keeping a watchful eye on their balls.

4. KNOCKN CLEATS (1-1) 

Still sluggish from binge boozing and knockin’ sandals on the WAKA cruise, these players needs to regain their focus heading into a brawl with rival STU GOTZ.

5. CFB: The O-Face (1-1) 

The O-Face has lost a game by a run and won a game by a run. It wouldn’t be CFB without a sweat-inducing struggle that leads to a titillating late-night climax.

6. Safe Word (0-2) 

“Rumplemintz?! Rutabaga?!?! RENEE ZELLWEGER??!! OH GOD I DON’T REMEMBER THE WORD PLEASE STOP JUST STOP. (A cracking whip.) (Muffled gargling.) (Silence.)” – Overheard on the WAKA Cruise

7. The Peep Show (1-1) 

The mark of a good team is how well it responds following a tough loss. After scoring only one run against STU GOTZ, the road doesn’t get any easier for The Creeps as they take on the Pink Tacos and its league-leading defense.

CO MILE HIGH POWER RANKINGS - WEEK 2

1. Your Mom (2-0)

Indisputably the team to beat. The Lady in Green is in a class of her own, and it's not even close.

2. Rocky Mountain Ice (2-0)

Ice is currently the favorite to finish as the Mile High runner-up, but this squad has a lot of work to do if it ever wants to challenge Your Mom. There are some serious holes on the defense, which has almost allowed a run twice now in as many weeks.

3. Where My Pitches At? (0-0)

The blue team burst onto the scene in a big way in Week 2, showing up undermanned, late and without much knowledge of WAKA rules. That didn't stop them from almost beating the fully powered PINK TACOS, only losing by a run (the official result was a forfeit). More importantly, the Pitches seemed to be having the most fun of any team at Infinity Park.

4. Camp Gladiator Mile High Burpee Club (0-3)

I'm putting them this high with the hope of getting a free month of personal training. Don't judge me. It's almost bikini season.

5. PINK TACOS (1-1)

Has anyone tried the new Cool Ranch Dorito Taco from Taco Bell? Please send a review to wakadenvergmot@gmail.com. I'm curious. Oh, and the Tacos won their first game this week and look to build momentum with a double-header against Camp Gladiator and Grey Balls of Fire/50 Shades of Grey/11 Shades of Grey/Make Up Your Damn Mind Already. Blah blah blah. Cool Ranch Taco thoughts, please.

6. CFB: The Mile High Club (1-1)

I just made the correlation that there are two "Mile High Club"-themed teams in the CO Mile High league. I need some time to make jokes out of this. Please return next week.

7. Yahtzee! (1-1) 

The giant version of Yahtzee! that Ice brought must have got into the players' heads. After losing by 16, Yahtzee! looks to bounce back with some better rolls. Hint: it's all in the wrist, like I learned when I turned 12.  

8. Grey Balls of Fire! (1-1)

I refuse to put this team anywhere except the cellar until its name stays the same for two consecutive weeks. C'mon, man!

Week 1 Power Rankings

 CO RECESS POWER RANKINGS - WEEK 1

1. The Peep Show (1-0)

The significant other of one of their players thinks The Creeps are the best team in the whole universe, so it must be true, right?

2. Pink Tacos (0-0)

These savvy veterans are employing the age-old strategy of "if we don't show up, we can't lose," and thus far it's working to perfection. The Tacos currently boast the league's best defense with 0 runs allowed. Don't expect that to change this week. Is a nickname of "The Meat Curtain" for their defense too gross? Yes? OK, noted. We'll go with "The Chastity Belt."

3. STU GOTZ (1-0)

It's well established that Italians don't like the snow, and thus the Gotz Mob only had 17-18 players show up Friday. Some of them even got to kick twice. It was an unprecedented event.

4. CFB: The O-Face (1-0)

The O-Face had to wait until the final inning to enjoy its vinegar strokes in a tight game against KNOCKN CLEATS. Said Captain Luis Barrios after the walkoff win, "No comment. I have to change my pants."

5. BALLCRUSHERS (0-1)

The new kids on the block had a tough matchup in their first-ever WAKA game, but they displayed skill and proved they know how to party. It's exciting to have yet another fun team in the league. NOTE: Their name refers to kicking ability, not to their love for roshambo. Opposing males can rest easy.

6. KNOCKN CLEATS (0-1)

If you can't even beat The O-Face, who CAN you beat?

7. Safe Word (0-1)
This team is trying to institute some newfangled field positioning, but it might be time for them to say the word (it's Rumpelstiltskin, by the way) and resort to a more traditional scheme after allowing a league-high 9 runs.

CO MILE HIGH POWER RANKINGS - WEEK 1

1. Where My Pitches At? (0-0)
Who?

2. Your Mom (1-0)
The Green Machine is sure to have yet another impressive regular season, but can it avoid "Pulling a Rahim Moore" once playoff time rolls around? As a non-Broncos fan, I plan to use this joke regularly. Deal with it. It amuses me.

3. 11 Shades of Grey (1-0)
The surprise of Week 1, this newly formed squad impressed in every phase of the game. "Surprise? I told you this would happen like two weeks ago," said Jeff "J3" Cornetet. "Also I just signed The Gaze..." (J3 exits nervously as a member of WAKA's recruiting investigation committee enters the room.)

4. PINK TACOS (0-1)
The Tacos lost their first game under questionable circumstances, and immediately filed a complaint to WAKA about head referee Ben "Tim Donaghy" Mendenhall, who is now serving time in federal prison for his part in a kickball gambling ring. The addition of USA Dave "La Flama Blanca" Rieken should provide a needed lift as the Tacos look to enter the win column.

5. CFB: The Mile High Club (0-1)
To add insult to injury, The Mile High Club lost its star pitcher in a trade to the Pink Tacos a mere 24 hours after a Week 1 defeat to Your Mom. The terms of the deal  have not been disclosed, but sources say all CFB received in return was a packet of Taco Bell hot sauce and a warm Four Loko (fruit punch flavor). In his press conference announcing the decision, USA Dave had this to say: "I'm sick and tired of carrying all the weight, the coaches and owners not giving me the shit I need to win. CFB, you're ****ing out. USA Dave is now a free agent. Let's find a bar and get shit-faced. Get me paid, bitch! Superstar!"

6. Rocky Mountain Ice (1-0)
It's yet to be seen if Ice has to forfeit its Week 1 win due to the ref's involvement in a sports betting ring, but the team has bigger concerns. Contrary to lofty preseason expectations, RMI allowed a whopping two or three baserunners in its first game. The Tacos may have shown the rest of the league the formula for beating Ice: getting people on base and then kicking again so they can cross home plate.

7. Camp Gladiator Mile High Burpee Club (0-2)
Once the rest of the league realizes how cool its uniforms are, it'll be tough to beat Camp Gladiator.

8. Yahtzee! (1-0)
I have no logic for putting them this low, except I don't think I've ever played Yahtzee! and thus I don't understand the rules. When I get confused, I get angry.

INTRODUCING YOUR SPRING 2013 WAKA DENVER TEAMS!

CO RECESS (THURSDAYS)

CO Recess is traditionally the chill league centered on themes, friends and parties, and this year won't be any different. We're still going to crank the fun level up to 100. That said, Recess is newly Founders Cup-eligible, and several of the top squads from recent seasons find themselves squaring off on Thursday nights. While CO Mile High might have the history of stronger competition and WAKA Denver's "superteam," CO Recess is stacked from top to bottom:

The Peep Show

Quite simply, the Peeps do it right. They play to win but never lose sight of the fact that, hey, we’re adults playing kickball. The CO Recess Summer 2012 Scruffy’s Cup winners almost always contend in the theme week competitions and are best known for over-the-top costumes, flip cup prowess and that annoying “CHIRP CHIRP” cheer. Rivals with the Pink Tacos.

STU GOTZ

Known as the Gotz Mob due to the sheer size of the team, STU GOTZ has a fetish for silver medals. Runners-up in two of the last three seasons, they’ve shed the scrappy underdog label and are now annual contenders who walk the line between competitive and fun as well as any team in WAKA. Oh, and STU GOTZ means “Your Balls” in Italian. Rivals with Your Mom, Coming From Behind and Justin Spanbauer.

Pink Tacos

The CO Recess Summer 2012 runners-up followed a path familiar for new WAKA teams last year, transforming from a team of strangers into a force to be reckoned with come tourney time. Kickball aside, the Tacos shine in the role of “life of the party,” bringing dominance to theme weeks and the flip cup tables. You won’t have to worry about having a fun time when the Tacos appear on your schedule. They might even let you SLAP THE BAG. Rivals with The Peep Show.

Coming From Behind: The O-Face

Coming From Behind is, in some people’s minds, the favorite to win CO Recess. This power-drinking team has the talent, but they’re usually too wasted by the second inning to do much of anything. Rumor has it the O-Face is hopping partially on-the-wagon to try to keep it together until at least the fourth inning this season. Regardless, CFB will definitely be the team partying hardest at Hayter’s afterward. An all-around great group that exemplifies what makes WAKA the best league in Denver. Rivals with STU GOTZ, Four Loko and Jagermeister.

Safe Word

New to WAKA Denver this year, Safe Word is a team composed mostly of free agents. Captain Ashley Ramos (The Chancellor of Awesome), however, is a veteran from California who knows her way around a kickball. Free agent teams are a guaranteed blast, and it probably won’t take long for the Chancellor to get this squad up to speed. Rivalries undetermined.

KNOCKN CLEATS

A “new” team that has deep WAKA roots. KNOCKN CLEATS is, in effect, the Thursday night edition of Your Mom, a long-established team playing in CO Mile High this season. Rivalries undetermined, but a good bet is STU GOTZ.

BALLCRUSHERS

New to WAKA but not to kickball, the BALLCRUSHERS are a veteran team from another Denver-area league. Ecstatic upon finding out WAKA players can openly drink on the field, when reminded about "3.2" laws in Colorado captain Christina Hartsel responded with, "I'm not THAT short!" Rivals with 3.2% laws in Colorado, high cupboards and amusement park rides with height restrictions.

CO MILE HIGH (FRIDAYS)

City of Cuernavaca Park on Friday nights is historically where the best kickball teams in Denver come to play. Though several of the formerly strong squads have merged to form a "superteam" and STU GOTZ moved to CO Recess for the spring, the newcomers will surely jump right into the mix. The level of competition is high, but CO Mile High still knows how to party. You'll be hard-pressed to find a crowd anywhere in Denver that rivals the rowdiness of Hayter's after an evening of hard-fought Friday night kickball.

PINK TACOS

The name isn’t a coincidence; these Tacos are one-and-the-same as CO Recess’ Pink Tacos. Most of the Taco regulars opted for Thursday nights, but a few had prior commitments to other teams. Because once a Taco, always a Taco, those players formed a Friday squad that was filled out with the coolest free agents they could find at the pre-season pub crawls. Expect ridiculous costumes, wine bag-slapping and the most coveted trucker hats in Denver, all managed by THE KICKTATOR himself. Rivalries undetermined.

11 Shades of Grey

A free agent team with a solid core of veterans and strong sexual desires. Captained by Pink Tacos defector Jeff “J3” Cornetet, aka “Broken Wing,” the necessary leadership is there. Rumor has it there might be some serious talent, as well. No matter how they start the season, 11 Shades will likely be a shoe-in for Most Improved Team when all is said and done. Watch out come tournament time. Rivalries undetermined.

Camp Gladiator Mile High Burpee Club

Welcome to WAKA! This new team of fitness fanatics is bringing their considerable muscle to the kickball fields. Also, since it’s a question that’s already come up: a burpee, aka a squat thrust, is a four-part full-body exercise that combines strength and aerobic training. Given their name, we can all hope the Gladiators do a few burpees for every run scored. Rivals with laziness and fast food.

Your Mom

WAKA’s longest-tenured team returns for yet another season. The perennial contenders are in a bit of a championship drought, but the Lady in Green can always be counted on for a good time. Your Mom has made a habit of going to Vegas and representing WAKA Denver well, both on the fields and at the parties. Rivals with STU GOTZ and the several teams that have transformed into Rocky Mountain Ice.

Coming From Behind: The Mile High Club

This is the Coming From Behind we all know and love. Even if CFB: The O-Face is a tad more competitive on Thursdays, The Mile High Club promises to be the same old costume-wearing, Four Loko-drinking, dancing, rowdy, crazy, ridiculously good-looking CFB. If you’re lucky you might even get an invite to one of USA Dave’s legendary pre-parties. Rivals with blacking out.

Rocky Mountain Ice

A conglomerate of all-stars poached from other and former competitive WAKA teams. Rocky Mountain Ice (RMI), aka “the Superteam,” is in it to win it, and you can expect their A-Game every week. They better bring it, too, because everyone will take their best shot at knocking the kings off the hill. Though they’re WAKA Denver’s most competitive squad this year, RMI is composed of some of the most genuinely fun and nice players around. Rivalries undetermined, but you can bet when RMI and Your Mom face off, it’ll be one of the most entertaining games of the year.

Yahtzee!

The team is new to WAKA Denver, but most of the faces are familiar. Captained by Mike Hale and Jen “Mighty Mouse” Montgomery, it won’t take long for arguably WAKA Denver’s best-named squad to pull together. Whatever cheers they come up with are sure to be a hit. Rivals with Monopoly, Trivial Pursuit and Chutes and Ladders.

Top 10 Things You Can Dodge in Real Life

Dodgeball is a 24/7 sport. Sure, we only play once a week, but to be at your very best you must be training at all times. And let's face it, between work, drinking beer on days that end in "-y" and watching American Idol, who has time to work out? The good news is that the real world presents an excellent practice facility. Here's a list of objects and people you can dodge in your day-to-day life to hone your skills for Wednesday nights:

1. Bullets
Next time you travel to Detroit, simply survive to tell the tale. Boom. Instant dodgeball superstar. Bonus points if you do so wearing a Packers jersey.

2. Your ex-girlfriends calls...and novel-length e-mails...and texts...
This is high-stakes dodging. She'll eventually go away, but if you respond even once, you'll likely be subjected to an additional month in Crazy Town. She's like a mouse hitting a lever for cheese. If cheese comes out, she'll keep hitting the lever. If no cheese comes out, she'll give up and go on a "soulsearching trip" to South America. Before long some dude named Mauricio will take her off your hands.

3. Your ex-boyfriend's late-night drunk texts
He dumped you, and he's realizing he made a huge mistake. It turns out his beer gut and lack of dubstep knowledge means his 30-year-old ass can't pick up randoms like he could in his college days. After another night of failure and rejection, he texts you at 1:40 a.m., "hi babye what r u diong lol." DODGE. DODGE. DODGE. Or wake up in the morning with that crippling sense of shame, going down a path that will turn you into the girl in #2 above. Your call.

4. A wrench
Do you see what I did there? LOL!!!1!11!! There was a MOVIE about DODGEBALL. We PLAY DODGEBALL! Damn I'm clever. Maybe I should call my agent. I think I'm ready for SNL.

5. Greenpeace/Planned Parenthood/Homeless Ambassadors on 16th Street Mall
So, you're heading down to the Patagonia store to buy a $400 jacket to wear to your nephew's soccer games or to Tilted Kilt because you "really like their food." At every intersection you're bombarded with homeless men selling some sort of newspaper or hipsters trying to get you to sign a petition. Run the gauntlet from Colfax to Blake, and if you successfully don't make eye contact with any of these interlopers, you win. The use of headphones or faking like you just got a call on your cell is cheating and will not improve your dodgeball skills.

6. Falling rocks
Visit any outdoor rock climbing area and stand directly under a climber.

7. Snowboarders adjusting their bindings in the middle of runs
Seriously, you can't go over to the side of the slope?

8. Your roommate asking you to clean the oven
Any chore that potentially involves the use of a wire brush should be dodged at all costs.

9. Deer
Driving on a two-lane mountain highway at night is like Mother Nature's equivalent of Death Race. Live your life a quarter-mile at a time.

10. Spring kickball league invites not from WAKA
'nuff said.